missing you

it is hard. no matter how i try.

On having coffee

On Tinay's post: To Those I had the Greatest Coffee Time With (chronologically arranged because…)

Yowee

That lingaw is different from lipay. That the internet has changed love stories. That staying is tougher than leaving but when you choose it, you get that feeling of being more human, more alive. Honestly, I never dreamed of being in Strabucks because of some odd reasons I’d rather not share here (I might be stoned to death by friends), but if given a chance to go back there, I’ll call you up.

My take:

I don’t go to Starbucks either. Only during the time when I can pretend that I am one of those people who don’t mind overpriced coffee, sitting on plushed seats, listening to foreign music and pretend, just pretend that I don’t have problems for a day.

It is fine, once in a while to sit down and talk to a dear friend about problems, in a place where they don’t seem to exist. I will not stone you to death for having coffee at Starbucks. I would have to kill myself first.

So Us

by Jay-R Delleva

This artwork reminds me of who we really are as a couple. Despite everything, we are two fun-loving individuals who appreciate life no matter how hard it is and who go through its ups and downs with heads held high. This picture also reminds me of how we're going to be when we're seventy.

Thank you for being with me every step of the way, even if I misjudge you at times. Thank you for taking good care of me during my most vulnerable condition. I have never wanted another person's company just like when I'm with you. You have always been enough for me. Your t-shirt even makes the best pillowcase, and that's a compliment from someone who lives to sleep. You will always have my love and support, even when at times, the things that you love doing are the very things I detest. They take your time away from me and you know I hate to compete, even if you say there is no contest.

Sometimes I think it is so wrong to want so much from you. Yet, I cannot help it. Because I always give more than enough of me, without you asking for it. That is because your happiness means my happiness as well. Some people may say it is wrong, but how can it be when it feels so right? All I want from you is for you not to hurt me deliberately. Because that hurts a million times worse than betrayals. You have been my reason for being for almost two years now. And it is not easy to be me, it never was, and you know that. Thank you for always telling me that things are going to be just fine. They usually are.

I say these things not because I'm dying, but because I love like there's no tomorrow. And don't you ever take that against me. Never.

The Phantom

I have always loved the Phantom of the Opera. When I was in high school, I bought a paperback copy of the book, long before I saw the movie. Perhaps, in the future, I would be lucky enough to watch the musical.

Nothing has disturbed me more than the character of the phantom. Like Christine, I was drawn to him. He was an enigma, something that can only be felt in a dream, yet so real. His power lies in his mystery, his weakness, his heart. In movies and in books, it is always the female character that I least identify with. I am always drawn to the disturbed, anguished, and tortured.

For me, people who are alive are those who feel the most extreme of emotions. I live in a world where happiness is the absence of problem. Like the phantom, some of us are victims of circumstances that we have no control over. These are the roles that we are meant to play. Some of us are meant to fall, while some are meant to soar.

Bitterness grows in the hearts of those who have never known true happiness. Erik,the phantom, lived for Christine. She is the air he breathe. When happiness is just on hand, wouldn't you hang on to it with dear life? The phantom did, and he paid the biggest price.

At least Christine had her happy ending.

And the phantom wouldn't want anything more.

Loner

Most of us find ourselves lost on a shore somewhere. Somehow, we always heed the call of the sea. Even if it poses a certain magnitude of danger. There, in its deep waters lurks danger and even death, along with other magical creatures. Yet, why do we often feel peace and solitude upon looking at it? Why do we always yearn for wide open spaces and blue skies? Most people think of the beach as a place to bask and to cavort. 

I have always thought of it as a place for lost souls. 

"What brought you here?" Every time I encounter a single shoe or slipper, I find myself asking this question. And my thoughts could run a mile per minute.

Rejection can happen even to the best of us. Sometimes, by accident. I am always quick to dismiss fate. Whatever your situation is, it is of your own doing. If you find yourself alone and lonely, perhaps, that is where you're supposed to be.

You can get lost if you are not careful. One way to avoid that is to set your path straight, right from the start. Diversion can only lead you somewhere. And it is always where you're not supposed to be.

Whatever relationship that you find yourself in, or the lack if it, is exactly what you need at that time. It is always meant to teach you a lesson. 

When you let go, you will end up alone. If that's what it takes to make you indestructible, so be it. You were born and you will die with yourself. Yourself, is your best company.

To say that things can go back to the way they were is a total lie. It is like turning back time. People who believe in this are in denial or just plain stupid. Everything changes.

On the other hand, if you see a pair, that does not mean they are "together".

Money and Time

Cebu

With the current economic crisis, how far can a peso go? If we think of it as a single quantity, it will not take us very far. We often fail to remember that even just a few pesos can make a big impact in our lives. Unless you are the type of person who does not care about money at all. Do you care about education? Art? Or at the very least, giving hope to children? If you do, support this project. We will show you how far your peso can go.

Bacolod

"All of us are done for" That's a line from a Coldplay song. We all have to face this reality. It simply means that time is of the essence, and what better way to spend it is through meaningful activities and fostering good relationships. BINHI is offering you a chance to do something fruitful with your time, as a volunteer or as a supporter. If you are an art enthusiast, so much the better. As the next line from that song goes, "And we live in a beautiful world."

Paint, draw, write, create, PARTICIPATE.

Second Wind

Things have their own way of sorting themselves out, thank goodness. I swamped myself with problems for quite some time now. Being the responsible person that I am, I have taken over these and tried to find solutions which, in the end, are beyond my control.

So I let them go.

Sometimes, the best way of solving problems is to let them be. If we push too hard, we just might end up frustrated. I stopped frustrating myself and everything just fell into place. Almost.

But I have stopped worrying. I caught my second wind and now, I can breathe easy.

I have so much to look forward to. I am inspired more than ever. I have set myself free.

Room in Your Heart (Mike Francis 1961-2009)

It's dark and cold tonight
I'm walkin' all alone
And one step at a time
I'm gettin closer
I know she's hard to find
Instinctively I try
To take the path of love
Into the night

There would be no reason
If you really didn't care
There would be no reason for love

The door is open wide
Is anybody there
I know this must be the room in your heart
I really don't know why
But it's so easy to breathe
I know this must be the
Room in your heart

No answers, questioning
No one's been here before
I am the first to see
The light on your door
If I can hold you now
I wouldn't disagree
If there are no walls protecting me

There would be no reason
If you really didn't care
There would be no reason
For love

I can feel it
I can feel it
I can feel the love that's surrounding me
Coming in and out of you
Won't you show me the way
~

It is hard to pretend that you are happy when you are not. It is ten times harder to pretend that you are at peace when you are not. It is easier to hate when love has failed you or the people around you has failed you. It is much easier to put the blame on yourself when everything you have been trying to do just can't seem to work out. It is so hard to cry for help when you know no one understands. It is so hard to make people understand when they don't even seem to care. It is so hard to reach out to someone who knows what you are going through when they are miles away. 

It is so hard to understand why they can't understand what you are going through.

I need peace, badly.

Tissue or soap and water? (another 'What-the-hell?' moment)

I have no problem using this one.

(photo by gregkendallball)

I have never made a conscious decision about this matter until I read this article.

Amador Bernabe, a 43-year old machine operator working for an Australian engineering firm was fired from work because his toilet habit of washing himself with water after taking a dump was considered as a 'serious health risk'. 

Apparently, his sense of hygiene is non-existent. My opinion is, it does exist, only it's not the Australian way. He does it the Pinoy way, you know, the water-soap-rinse-repeat-if-necessary way. The Australian way is just toilet-paper-that's-it way. I just hope they wash their hands after that.

I am not an expert in labor laws but to fire a worker because of this is not right. It is, after all a cultural preference in toilet hygiene and doesn't reflect his work performance. I feel strongly about this part however, something bothers me.

According to the article, his co-workers were complaining because the toilet cubicle is wet with soggy tissues lying around after his use. It makes you cringe, right? I'm sure you have seen this in public toilets here in the Philippines. 

Nothing is wrong with using soap and water, if they are readily available. However, in most cases, public toilets (malls, restaurants, offices) are not equipped with a pail, a dipper (tabo) and sometimes even soap. Toilet papers are not always available either. My point is, you should use what is readily available in that particular toilet to clean after yourself and avoid making a mess. Just imagine what it would be like if you are dying to use one and found it dirty. That is, in my opinion, the proper toilet hygiene.

There is also nothing wrong with doing what the Romans (ahem, Australians) do as long as you are comfortable with it. Mr.Bernabe, apparently, wasn't so he did it his way. If you want to do your own thing, make sure that you do it right. By right I mean, you do not make other people suffer. If it doesn't affect them, they will just leave you alone. That is how I see it (so sue me!). 

Hygiene, after all is culturally relevant. I have experienced this firsthand when I went to China (where I think hygiene is non-existent, or if it does, it's not a necessity). You would have to deal with squat toilets, lack of water and bad plumbing system. They don't even bother to take a bath everyday or brush their teeth after each meal. My students would then ask me why was my hair damp whenever I go to class first thing in the morning. I told them I take a bath everyday (this was in summer,winter is another story). They said they take a bath only at night or at nights when they feel (or smell) that they have to because they don't have much time to do it in the mornings. That is being practical,which is fine (but don't come near me if you stink,hehe).

Since my students were planning to go to the Philippines and other countries to study, I told them that Filipinos are hygiene-obssessed which borders on pagiging OA. Body odor, bad breath and unshaved armpits (for women) are unforgivable. I heard a collective gasp. The next day, I tailored my lesson to proper hygiene and brought my personal toiletries. I have to introduce the use of deodorant, lotion, alcohol, cotton buds, dental floss, and cologne which may seem as accoutrements of the bourgeois to their young communist minds.   

I don't know if my students have learned anything from me but you see, there is nothing wrong with having a good hygiene as there is nothing wrong with getting dirty sometimes as long as it's not offensive. 

After all, fecal coliform bacteria can be found everywhere, not only in toilets. An experiment in Discovery Channel's Mythbusters (nerd alert!) showed that toothbrushes put inside the toilet and in the controlled area contain the same amount of fecal coliform bacteria, although not high enough to be considered dangerous. They are everywhere so deal with it.

I have noticed that in our office building, toilet papers were replaced with liquid soap and hand dryer. However, I have also noticed that 3 out of 5 ladies do not wash their hands after relieving themselves in public toilets. 

As I have said, hygiene is still a matter of preference despite its importance. It is not about being maarte but it tells alot about how you look after yourself and your health. 

Only When I Sleep

When they cannot hurt me anymore.